maybe in two years from now things will flip around and fall into place but untill then im going to keep you as close as i can. at this point you can only see if you choose not to look with your eyes but your eyelashes frame my favourite color, so open your eyes and let the light in. give me a memory to last a life time, give me a smile i can remember. the clock reads twelve, no sound but the voice of the passing cars. the cold is still biting. i'll pretend to close my eyes.
to mistrust you is wrong. to be afraid is wrong. but that's where I stand. cause from where i'm at, there is something about you that helps me remember that which i spent my whole life denying. you are hands on a clock that i promised not to watch. good advice i never took, long walks in the rain, place i'll never go, a smile i kept to myself for far too long. no matter what i try to recreate, the ending will always be the same. grass is growing slowly over my footprints of doubt and worry.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
day four, lots and lots and lots of em
So as you can see below, I have posted a bunch of poetry and prose that I've recently or somewhat recently written. I hope you enjoy it or can relate to something I've said.
It's 1:45 am right now. All I hear is the humming of my laptop and the sound of air crashing. Is it possible to hear air? I think it is. Sometimes it is deafening and I put my hands over my ears hoping silence will overwhelm the sound. Or lack of sound. I'm not sure. Even on quiet nights like this, when there is not even a chilled breeze to frighten my bones, I can still hear the rushing sound. Some days I can see the air molecules, or maybe I'm just crazy. Who knows. But I watch those molecules (or whatever they're called - I'm an english nerd not a science one) fight with each other and I imagine that I am not scared of how insignificently small I am. Sometimes I blow at the air, watching the molecules spin into little fairies. I lay on my bed and watch them, the pale blue sky keeping them close. All this because I can no longer hear the sound of silence.
I'm tempted to post more of my poetry just because I want to get them off of Facebook; however, I think I'll leave some to surprise you with.
Have a good day :)
Felicia.
It's 1:45 am right now. All I hear is the humming of my laptop and the sound of air crashing. Is it possible to hear air? I think it is. Sometimes it is deafening and I put my hands over my ears hoping silence will overwhelm the sound. Or lack of sound. I'm not sure. Even on quiet nights like this, when there is not even a chilled breeze to frighten my bones, I can still hear the rushing sound. Some days I can see the air molecules, or maybe I'm just crazy. Who knows. But I watch those molecules (or whatever they're called - I'm an english nerd not a science one) fight with each other and I imagine that I am not scared of how insignificently small I am. Sometimes I blow at the air, watching the molecules spin into little fairies. I lay on my bed and watch them, the pale blue sky keeping them close. All this because I can no longer hear the sound of silence.
I'm tempted to post more of my poetry just because I want to get them off of Facebook; however, I think I'll leave some to surprise you with.
Have a good day :)
Felicia.
forgive,
So now you admit that you were wrong. A forced apology and eyes that can't meet mine.You turned your back when you saw that open door to acceptance. Acceptance from who though? Them? The clones? Please. You joined right in with your fellow new friends who insist that artificial is another word for real.You thought that was the way to make it to the top. Congratulations.Your stares and glares and personality change have got you there. You've become the person we used to feel bad for.
As much as I wish I could leave it at that, I can't. Rust glazed over your eyes and you forgot me but I never forgot you. I still haven't. Neither has your Creator.The stars might leave for a few days but they'll be back.The clouds will clear and those stars will be back, brigher than ever. Waiting takes forever - it has so far - but patience through Him will get me there.I'll wait for you. Even if it means going through a few starless nights.
See you then.
As much as I wish I could leave it at that, I can't. Rust glazed over your eyes and you forgot me but I never forgot you. I still haven't. Neither has your Creator.The stars might leave for a few days but they'll be back.The clouds will clear and those stars will be back, brigher than ever. Waiting takes forever - it has so far - but patience through Him will get me there.I'll wait for you. Even if it means going through a few starless nights.
See you then.
This breaking..
You feel like it's the end, that the seams couldn't be torn fast enough?
That it's so hard to breathe because your chest is heavy?
Your fear of change is too clearly visible in your eyes.
Remember.
Every day you are reborn.
Are you the same as Yesterday?
No.
Are you as Tomorrow?
No.
Remember that first breath this morning?
That breath confirmed you are now.
Take a breath. It is in you.
Share it with the world.
Walk with your head to the sky and remember that you are alive.
You are brilliant.
That it's so hard to breathe because your chest is heavy?
Your fear of change is too clearly visible in your eyes.
Remember.
Every day you are reborn.
Are you the same as Yesterday?
No.
Are you as Tomorrow?
No.
Remember that first breath this morning?
That breath confirmed you are now.
Take a breath. It is in you.
Share it with the world.
Walk with your head to the sky and remember that you are alive.
You are brilliant.
Chaos!
They pulled our names out of a hat and when be broke down crying in the parking lot I wondered if I was making a mistake. Through the glass wall that seperates us, you look so sad at night. And I imagine that I am what you need but realize that's crazy. I called my therapist yesterday in a panic. I said, "What if the sky falls again?" and she said "well, what if you fall in love?" When you're around I don't know how to hide my feelings. I count in binary, in my head. Zero one, one zero, one one.. and you count clouds. Yes, I believe in love, yes, I'm a dreamer but I'm not alone. There are more of us than you suspect. And we've got bombs; trust and beauty bombs. There are people who believe a photo captures your soul. For them this is a terrible thing. For me, it's one last chance. I lost you that night to the strongest cup of coffee and loudest windstorm I have ever experienced. I cried for weeks. Nothing could console me. Until I woke up one morning and I could fly. Just spread my arms and go. I flew to a place that knew no light. In the caves behind my house I found a softer world. They understood what I had to do for love. You know, boy, I know this girl. She sits outside every morning and cries and where each tear lands, a flower grows. I dont know if her wings are real but I've never seen her without them and I see her everywhere. She could steal your heart if you let her get close enough. She always had a way with words. So do you.
home.
Do you remember the time we started over? Picked up the rags from the grass, dusted off our dirty knees, I told you we would make it?
That morning was so cold. We watched our breath sink into the grass and we wished we could take it back. But it collided with air and mystery and passion and hope and it was gone. Even if the clouds would have split, we wouldn't have been able to look at the sun. We were too busy watching our breath float beside the train tracks or at least until the grass reached up and grabbed it.
You know, the light from the sun would have reflected off of the tracks and onto my eyelashes. Your cheeks would have turned a darker shade and I would have smiled. Streaks of light would have crossed our fingers as we promised to never fall. We'd watch our breath float to the sky. Uneasy, it drifts alongside the beams of light until it finds its home among the warmth and light.
I'm so cold without you holding my hand.
It feels so liberating not carrying two and a half years on my fingers anymore. All this time that you thought you were waiting, so was I.If you've watched my self battle on the sidelines, then you know I'm convincing - Well I've convinced myself of this too.The things I'm certain of can be counted on one hand.You've managed to get me to put the doubt away, even if only for a while,I can find the fluttering of softer thoughts again.Yes we can. Yes we did.
tell me your story again, please.
I am just about finished with seeking safety through unbendable estrangements. You were worth every mile, every scratch, and every shattered thought. Because all of that got me here to this place. You've had your fair share of disappointments, I've had my fair share of broken things. But now I'm so tired of chasing and going and running over the only pieces I have left. They cease to meet my eyes until I turn back and see the work I'll have to break my back over - only to chase and go and run again. It's my turn to wait and it's my turn to rest.
Do you think of me when you walk in the rain? Or do the complications of your setting decision take over? We might as well nurture these connections from a distance before the rhythm of repetitional downfalls attempt to remind us that this can't be happening. Not to you. Not to me. It's far too good. The silence is perfect and yet a torment. I know very well what underlies the compulsive side of my very nature and existence but it is my wish to escape all that I can no longer comprehend. Sometimes, even within this anxiety, I carry the occasional power of being able to see the world brilliantly. Clarity falls upon me with the weight of a crushing river. The narrative maze sometimes opens and permits me to pass through and I think of it as one of the tricks of consciousness: a mystery I will never fully grasp the concept of.
My hands are just too shaky too hold, my head is in a million different places. These are the things that happen when you look at me, count to three, and look away. I hope that what I have to give and who I am is enough to make you look again. It is inevitable that each of us will be misunderstood so if I stutter out words that don't seem to fit with each other, I hope you will understand. Sometimes I look at things close up and sometimes from a distance. I insist on showing myself in a sunny light, hardly ever giving a glimpse of those dark premonitions that tear away at my endurance. How did you break that piece of me as if it had never existed. It's just like they said it would be. You're everything they said you'd be.
Do you think of me when you walk in the rain? Or do the complications of your setting decision take over? We might as well nurture these connections from a distance before the rhythm of repetitional downfalls attempt to remind us that this can't be happening. Not to you. Not to me. It's far too good. The silence is perfect and yet a torment. I know very well what underlies the compulsive side of my very nature and existence but it is my wish to escape all that I can no longer comprehend. Sometimes, even within this anxiety, I carry the occasional power of being able to see the world brilliantly. Clarity falls upon me with the weight of a crushing river. The narrative maze sometimes opens and permits me to pass through and I think of it as one of the tricks of consciousness: a mystery I will never fully grasp the concept of.
My hands are just too shaky too hold, my head is in a million different places. These are the things that happen when you look at me, count to three, and look away. I hope that what I have to give and who I am is enough to make you look again. It is inevitable that each of us will be misunderstood so if I stutter out words that don't seem to fit with each other, I hope you will understand. Sometimes I look at things close up and sometimes from a distance. I insist on showing myself in a sunny light, hardly ever giving a glimpse of those dark premonitions that tear away at my endurance. How did you break that piece of me as if it had never existed. It's just like they said it would be. You're everything they said you'd be.
you laugh now...
So she's sitting in her heart shaped cave. Letting her breath linger a bit before she adjusts her stance to avoid getting soaked. She is so mesmorized by the waves storming, swishing, and crashing into life. The echo sounding nearer and nearer, though she knew it was far. She thought and she thought and she thought. Then she figured it would be best to forget. So she forgot, and she forgot, and then she couldn't remember what she was trying to forget. Every night the moon is out she remembers though. It's in those hours of being awake when she hears it. It's a sad mad song, about love and hope and pretty things that sing to her at night. You always figured it was best to keep your distance but did that really solve anything? She never had the courage to tell you to stay, nor will she ever. You came and left her more frequently than I have blinked. Just as a little reminder, she hasn't forgotten you. One day you will come back, like you have before, but this time I hope that she pushes you into the sea, mesmorized by the waves storming, swishing, and crashing into life.
a message to you, the girl that cries under the moon.
When a man hurts you, mentally, physically, or emotionally, he does not deserve you. He is telling you that your beauty was made for him and that he has control over it and you. No man has that power. Our beauty was made by God to shine in a bleak and broken world. We are perfect through him. Don't seekout approval when you have already been approved by he who loves everything aboutyou, even that which you consider to be a flaw.Don't ever lower your standards for someonewho makes you feel less than who you really are. Don't let the fear of being alone keep you from letting go of someone who you knowisn't right for you. Keep your expectations high.
Don't search or pursue love. Let it find you. It will be that much more rewarding when it happens.Don't force yourself to love someone - let it developat its own rate. Love should wait for its proper time.Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.- Song of Songs 2:7, 3:5, 8:4
Don't search or pursue love. Let it find you. It will be that much more rewarding when it happens.Don't force yourself to love someone - let it developat its own rate. Love should wait for its proper time.Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.- Song of Songs 2:7, 3:5, 8:4
Monday, November 17, 2008
day three, forgiveness
I'll get right to it.
Backstory: On Thursday, my friend Matt and I found a Document on a school computer that someone wrote to their girlfriend. It was a list of 100 things that he knew/loved about her. We had a laugh because there were a lot of random things such as : "I love how both of your parents wrote reports on goats, I love how you love when I play with your boobs, I love how you love pillhoes (and yes, that is how he spelled pillows)." It just went on and on, and we found it hilarious. So anyway, we decided that we wanted to put it up on facebook in a note for our friends to read. All in good fun. We didn't find it mean because it was anonymous, we had no idea who it was about or who wrote it. If you think about it, it's the same thing as writing a blog or a note about a friend - but keeping it anonymous. We post those, so what's wrong with posting stuff like the note Matt and I found? Stuff that was funny? There's the background.
So today started off alright. I had a three hour history lecture and got to see my good friends. Matt and I posted the note on facebook and two of my friends told us that it was a mean thing to do. I didn't agree with them because, like I've already said, it was anonymous. After class I went on the computer to do some homework. I checked my facebook first though, like always. I saw that I had a message so I opened it up, seeing that it was from my close friend Katherine. What does it say? "UGH I'm so tired of Felicia. I officially want her out of my life, she is never going to change." First of all, ouch. Second of all, ouch. Third of all, it's just a stupid list! Now my first reaction was human, to cry, to get angry, to retaliate. But God poured out his peace upon me and I felt fine. I wasn't angry, I wasn't hurt, I was fine.
God forgave us so what right do we have not to forgive those who hurt us?
P.S I thought this would be a more interesting blog entry but I started writing it a few minutes after I got that email and so I was a little shocked and just wanted to ramble and tell all. But now that a few days have passed and God has filled me with his wisdom and peace, I don't feel the need to go on about happened. All I want people to get out of this blog is to forgive. Because Christ died for our sins - all the messed up stuff we've done - what right do we have not to forgive someone who has already been forgiven and accepted by our king?
Felicia
Backstory: On Thursday, my friend Matt and I found a Document on a school computer that someone wrote to their girlfriend. It was a list of 100 things that he knew/loved about her. We had a laugh because there were a lot of random things such as : "I love how both of your parents wrote reports on goats, I love how you love when I play with your boobs, I love how you love pillhoes (and yes, that is how he spelled pillows)." It just went on and on, and we found it hilarious. So anyway, we decided that we wanted to put it up on facebook in a note for our friends to read. All in good fun. We didn't find it mean because it was anonymous, we had no idea who it was about or who wrote it. If you think about it, it's the same thing as writing a blog or a note about a friend - but keeping it anonymous. We post those, so what's wrong with posting stuff like the note Matt and I found? Stuff that was funny? There's the background.
So today started off alright. I had a three hour history lecture and got to see my good friends. Matt and I posted the note on facebook and two of my friends told us that it was a mean thing to do. I didn't agree with them because, like I've already said, it was anonymous. After class I went on the computer to do some homework. I checked my facebook first though, like always. I saw that I had a message so I opened it up, seeing that it was from my close friend Katherine. What does it say? "UGH I'm so tired of Felicia. I officially want her out of my life, she is never going to change." First of all, ouch. Second of all, ouch. Third of all, it's just a stupid list! Now my first reaction was human, to cry, to get angry, to retaliate. But God poured out his peace upon me and I felt fine. I wasn't angry, I wasn't hurt, I was fine.
God forgave us so what right do we have not to forgive those who hurt us?
P.S I thought this would be a more interesting blog entry but I started writing it a few minutes after I got that email and so I was a little shocked and just wanted to ramble and tell all. But now that a few days have passed and God has filled me with his wisdom and peace, I don't feel the need to go on about happened. All I want people to get out of this blog is to forgive. Because Christ died for our sins - all the messed up stuff we've done - what right do we have not to forgive someone who has already been forgiven and accepted by our king?
Felicia
Saturday, November 15, 2008
day three, happy 50th oma and opa
So today is my grandparents 50th anniversary. My uncles, aunts, and cousins are having a party for them. They think it's just going to be a nice dinner with a few close friends when really we have a whole program set up for them! I'm reading a poem, the three oldest girls (including me) are singing "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns, the youngest boys are doing a play, and then all of us nine cousins are playing my grandma's favorite song "I bow my knees and cry holy" (or something like that). We're all playing a different instrument: piano, bass, electric guitar, drums, saxaphone, trumpet, clarinet (?). It should be great. My uncle made a movie with some pictures and three really sad songs. I don't know why but when he showed it to us, I was bawling my eyes out - which is weird because one of the songs was in German - I had no idea what it was saying and yet I was crying. So I'm hoping the video is played after my two cousins and I sing Praise You In The Storm.
Thats about it.
Oh wait. Yesterday he asked me to be his girlfriend! I'll explain more later.
Felicia
Thats about it.
Oh wait. Yesterday he asked me to be his girlfriend! I'll explain more later.
Felicia
Friday, November 14, 2008
day two, procrastination and cold feet
It is so cold today. I just feel weird. My feet are cold but I don't want to put socks on because they feel weird. Is it weird that I keep saying weird? I'm just so weird.
Anyyway. I have about three papers coming up and I haven't started any of them. I'm great at procrastination; my mommy says so.
Micayla is coming over in a few hours and we're gonna do some jamming. I'm pretty excited. We're making a video of us playing guitar and we're probably going to write a song because apparently she has a sweet strumming pattern going on. I love music. I just wish I had a pretty voice to express myself and my lyrics with. Sighh...
I get to see him tonight. Oh my goodness, it makes me blush
Until next time,
Felicia
Anyyway. I have about three papers coming up and I haven't started any of them. I'm great at procrastination; my mommy says so.
Micayla is coming over in a few hours and we're gonna do some jamming. I'm pretty excited. We're making a video of us playing guitar and we're probably going to write a song because apparently she has a sweet strumming pattern going on. I love music. I just wish I had a pretty voice to express myself and my lyrics with. Sighh...
I get to see him tonight. Oh my goodness, it makes me blush
Until next time,
Felicia
Thursday, November 13, 2008
day one, the beginning
Hey all,
I decided to start blogging. Facebook and Nexopia only go so far. I just want a place where I can write and write and write and one day look back and read. I want a place that I can share the contents of my life with people who know nothing about me, my past, my goals. I want a fresh start. So here goes.
I am eighteen years old and I have no idea what my true purpose is..yet. I think I'd like to go into teaching, probably English or Psychology, or perhaps I'll end up teaching English as a second language in Kenya. Who knows. It's not up to me though, it's up to God. I just have to figure out what he wants me to do, where I'm supposed to go and end up. I need his direction.
Yeah. I guess you could call me one who follows the belief of Christianity. But, as C.S Lewis once said, the worst part about Christianity is the Christians. I am not saying Christians are wrong because, stereotypically, since I am a part of Christianity I am concretely known as a Christian; however, it breaks my heart to see how those that are striving to live like Jesus are treating the lost and hurting people of this world. I'm surrounded by Christians who, including my parents, judge people because of their appearances of sexual orientation. We were driving the other day and my mother commented on a girls black outfit which included chains and other 'emo/punk/goth' (whatever it was) accents. She completely judged the girl based on how she looked. For all she knows, that girl could have been following Jesus too and yet my mother went and based her opinion on the physical appearance alone. Another example. My father and I had a discussion on gay/lesbian relationships once. Now, don't get me wrong. As a follower of Jesus, I believe that being homosexual is wrong. It is a sin. However, I still have respect for those people. I still want to love them and serve them. After all, we should hate the sin but love the sinner. Who am I to judge them when I have faults of my own?
I discovered a Bible verse today that I'm surprised I've never heard. It's found three times in the book of Song of Songs (which obviously means it is important and should be payed attention to). 2:7, 3:5, and 8:4. "Daughters of Jerusalem... do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Isn't that amazing? I love it. Why do women search for love? Search for something that isn't meant to be awakened until God wakes it up? There are so many girls who have been told by our society that if they aren't in a relationship, they aren't beautiful. I think that's pathetic because the Bible clearly states in Psalm 139 that the thoughts God has towards us are unnumerable.
That's my rant for today.
Felicia.
I decided to start blogging. Facebook and Nexopia only go so far. I just want a place where I can write and write and write and one day look back and read. I want a place that I can share the contents of my life with people who know nothing about me, my past, my goals. I want a fresh start. So here goes.
I am eighteen years old and I have no idea what my true purpose is..yet. I think I'd like to go into teaching, probably English or Psychology, or perhaps I'll end up teaching English as a second language in Kenya. Who knows. It's not up to me though, it's up to God. I just have to figure out what he wants me to do, where I'm supposed to go and end up. I need his direction.
Yeah. I guess you could call me one who follows the belief of Christianity. But, as C.S Lewis once said, the worst part about Christianity is the Christians. I am not saying Christians are wrong because, stereotypically, since I am a part of Christianity I am concretely known as a Christian; however, it breaks my heart to see how those that are striving to live like Jesus are treating the lost and hurting people of this world. I'm surrounded by Christians who, including my parents, judge people because of their appearances of sexual orientation. We were driving the other day and my mother commented on a girls black outfit which included chains and other 'emo/punk/goth' (whatever it was) accents. She completely judged the girl based on how she looked. For all she knows, that girl could have been following Jesus too and yet my mother went and based her opinion on the physical appearance alone. Another example. My father and I had a discussion on gay/lesbian relationships once. Now, don't get me wrong. As a follower of Jesus, I believe that being homosexual is wrong. It is a sin. However, I still have respect for those people. I still want to love them and serve them. After all, we should hate the sin but love the sinner. Who am I to judge them when I have faults of my own?
I discovered a Bible verse today that I'm surprised I've never heard. It's found three times in the book of Song of Songs (which obviously means it is important and should be payed attention to). 2:7, 3:5, and 8:4. "Daughters of Jerusalem... do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Isn't that amazing? I love it. Why do women search for love? Search for something that isn't meant to be awakened until God wakes it up? There are so many girls who have been told by our society that if they aren't in a relationship, they aren't beautiful. I think that's pathetic because the Bible clearly states in Psalm 139 that the thoughts God has towards us are unnumerable.
That's my rant for today.
Felicia.
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